Death and dying

Shared with Public (11/26/2022): In memory of a cat.

~ Cheryle Gardiner ~ Leave a comment

On New Year’s Eve, 2020, as Martin lay dying, I put out a plea on FB for a home for his cat, Idjit. Martin had adopted Idjit several years before from a friend and, despite my many efforts to get Martin to give him a better name, he always refused.

Idjit was Marty’s boon companion, and went everywhere with him. He loved to ride in the car – unrestrained, despite my cautionary tales – usually on the dashboard where he was King of the World, but also with paws on the windowsill, watching the scenery go by. Although Marty had many pets duringhis lifetime, Ihad never seen him bond with an animal the way he bonded with Idjit.


But the time had come to find a new home for Marty’s cat. He terrorized my cats – not intentionally, but Daisie hated all “interlopers,” and Dollie was afraid of her own shadow – and my bedroom slippers. Idjit had lived in Marty’s room with him, and Marty’s needs had reached a point that it was difficult to keep the cats separate. And, for the first time, Idjit was an annoyance to all of us. I think he knew how bad things were for Marty.

So I sent out a cry for help and for a new home for an amazing, friendly, highly intelligent – and very vocal – Siamese cat. Within a very short time, a young couple who I’d first met through my niece Jennifer, contacted me and said they’d like to take him to their home as a companion to their cat and their two young children. I was thrilled to know he’d be with someone I know and who would appreciate all of his good qualities, as well as providing a good home for him.

Andrew and Cara arrived early New Year’s Eve afternoon with their girl and boy, and Idjit met his new family for the first time. He took to them right away, and although I shed tears as they drove away, I was deeply happy that things had worked out for the cat who would now have a proper name – Hammy – and not a cringeworthy one!

Martin died on January 2, 2021, without ever realizing that his beloved pet was adjusting to a new home. But it was a relief to all of us to be able to give our son, brother, and uncle our full attention without worrying about where the cat was.

Over the past 23 months, I’ve had updates on Hammy’s new life from his new family. He adjusted quickly and brought a lot of joy into their world. There has never been any question in my mind that Hammy had found the perfect home, and I have been very thankful.

Late this afternoon, I received a text from Andrew, telling me that Hammy’s liver is failing – the same organ that failed Martin is now taking the life of his beloved cat. Tomorrow, Hammy will enter his last sleep, surrounded by people who have loved and cared for him during these final months of his life. He’ll be buried in their backyard with other well-loved pets, and his young mistress (7 years old, I believe) plans to paint a gravestone for him.
As Hammy closes his bright, intelligent eyes tomorrow, I’d like to imagine that he and Martin will be reunited in a way I cannot understand. It gives me comfort, even as I grieve another loss, to think that their special bond will endure even the mystery of death.

As my mother often said, it just wouldn’t be Heaven without our pets. Run free, Idjit/Hammy! Run free!

 

 

A Mother’s Song

~ Cheryle Gardiner ~ 1 Comment

A Mother’s Song
(written 4/12/2023)


Love never felt like this before.
Like awe,
Like a small seed growing,
Stretching my body,
Swelling my breasts.

Love never felt like this before.
Like pain,
Like screaming, unbearable pain,
Like a perfect baby boy.

Love never felt like this before.
Like the essence of life,
Like brown eyes gazing,
Memorizing my face,
Like tiny fingers
Wrapped around mine.

Love never felt like this before.
Like wonder,
Like tiny ants crawling and birds flying
And raindrops falling,
Like every new thing.

Love never felt like this before.
Like separating
For school and friends and
A world unshared.

Love never felt like this before.
Like shock, like disbelief,
Like my world turned upside down
Like …
You’re gay?

Love never felt like this before.
Like fear, like anger, like danger,
Like my pain shrinking in the shadow of your greater pain.

Love never felt like this before.
Like illness, like cancer.
Cancer!
Oh! My boy! Love…

… never felt like this before.
Like ashes.
Like all that’s left are ashes
Going into the ground.
Ashes and memories.

Love never felt like this before.

Not-so-happy New Year

~ Cheryle Gardiner

Dear Marty,

This is the hardest night of the year for me, although Christmas Eve comes close. The eve of a New Year is harder than your birthday or your deathday, as hard as those are.

You always called me on New Year’s Eve. Wherever you were – even when you were in the Navy – I knew I’d get a phone call when the new year arrived in your time zone, and again when it arrived in my time zone. It was a long-standing tradition, dating back to 1989-90, and was one thing I could absolutely count on with you.

Your last New Year’s Eve in this life was three years ago. I had moved that horribly uncomfortable recliner into your room so I could be near you. I held your hand as the ball fell in Times Square, heralding the arrival of 2021 and ending the single most awful year of my life. You weren’t consciously aware that a new year had arrived, but I wished you a happy new year anyway. And I stayed by your side that night, wishing you happy new year again when clocks changed in Oregon. I knew it was the last time for you and it was important to me that we were together, that I could spend those precious minutes with you, holding your hand, assuring you of my love, knowing that if our roles had been reversed you would have been there for me.

And so, my beloved son, an old year ends and a new year begins. Three years since you moved into your new life, three years since I held your hand, heard your voice, could reach out and touch you. The grief doesn’t lessen with time. I will always miss you and there will always be a Marty-sized hole in my world.

I love you, my boy. Always know that.

mom

My Friend Ron

~ Cheryle Gardiner

When Martin died, I inherited his friend Ron. It was several weeks before I knew I’d inherited Ron, but one day when he was visiting, he said to me, “Martin might have asked me to look in on you from time to time, and I might have said that I would.”

Ron and I had had our differences while Martin was sick. I found out he was bringing drugs to Martin and I was furious. I was so angry that I forbade him to come back. It wasn’t until Martin explained to me that he was only asking Ron to bring them because they helped him forget for a little while that he was dying, they gave him moments of blessed forgetfulness, of peace. He asked me to keep them for him and promised he would only ask if it got really bad for him, and that he’d only ask once. I agreed. He never asked; I think knowing that he could gave him strength.

Once I understood, I apologized to Ron and invited him back. Other than family and hospice nurses, Ron was the last person to spend time with Martin. The day after Christmas, just one week before Marty died, Ron was here, hanging out with his friend, watching t.v., laughing, remembering.

I’m telling you all of this about Ron because he went in the hospital a month ago to see if they could find out why he was always having so much pain, why his lungs kept filling with fluid. He texted me off and on as the days went by, and then I didn’t hear from him for a week. I made phone calls and found he was still in hospital – in ICU. I visited. I called. Many things happened over these past weeks. They discovered a subdural hematoma and performed a craniotomy. They found a UTI and treated it. They found fluid under his lungs in the pleural cavity. I saw him on Wednesday and he was alert but not oriented. And I finally spoke with his brother who lives out of state and is his medical proxy. Joe told me the worst news: on top of everything else, the diabetes, the lung issues, the back pain, the lower leg amputation, Ron has cancer of the liver and it’s metastasized to his bone marrow.

Ron called me a little while ago to tell me that he’d been given the news. He knows what it means – liver cancer is what killed Martin – and he apologized for “letting me down.” Through tears, he said he’s failed in his promise to Martin, that he won’t be around to keep an eye on me. The truth is, he’s been an excellent friend, he’s done more that I would ever have expected him to do. And through my tears I told him that.

I’m going to lose my friend Ron to the same disease that took my son, Ron’s friend Martin. I will miss him. I can only pray the hospital keeps him pain-free and that I can be of some comfort to him during these days.

Whatever you believe, I ask that you hold this man who is my friend in your prayers, good thoughts, healing light. I love my friend Ron. I will miss him.

Keeping a promise

~ Cheryle Gardiner

Dear Martin,

On New Year’s Eve, 2020, as you were preparing to leave this life and begin your journey into the unknown, I promised that I would continue your battle to get your discharge from the Navy upgraded to Honorable, and to have you buried at Willamette National Cemetery with full military honors. I’m writing this to you to tell you that I have your corrected DD-214 showing that you served your country with honor, and I have scheduled your military funeral and interment for June 9, 2023, at 3:00 p.m.

It’s been a long, difficult, and frustrating journey, but I have been determined to keep my promise to you. I’ve had wonderful support from the ODVA, Senators Merkley and Wyden, and countless people who never knew you but who have wanted to see justice done.

I decided early in this process that, although your burial would be my primary goal, I wanted to take it further than that. I want to tell your story – our story – far and wide with the hope of getting justice for the thousands of men and women who were unfairly discharged and were denied the benefits they should have had. I want your funeral to be a media event. I want national news coverage. I want a law passed that will grant benefits to Veterans who have served honorably and whose only “sin” was being who they are. My goal is to eventually go before Congress to tell your story and to get a law passed so that no other Veteran, no family of a deceased Veteran, has to go through what I’ve been through.

Yesterday, I took the first step toward that goal. Steve Duin, a columnist for The Oregonian, came to the house and interviewed me for almost two hours. He was appalled at the way you were treated, and impressed that I had been able to accomplish what I set out to do. The column will appear in about two weeks, and I hope it will catch the attention of someone who can make it go nationwide.

I love you, son, and miss you. As happy as I am to be able to keep this promise I made, I wish with all my heart that you were here to celebrate our success. I know that it’s the last gift I can give you, and I’m so very thankful that it’s the one that was your heart’s desire.

Love always,
mom
xoxo

Facing loss – published to select friends on Facebook September 26, 2020

~ Cheryle Gardiner ~ 1 Comment

My dear son,

I wrote about you so often on Facebook, but since you didn’t indulge in social media, you never knew – unless I told you. Two years ago today I posted this for just friends and family, and it came up in my FB Memories today.

I can’t believe it was only two years ago. It seems like a lifetime. It seems like you’ve been gone for years and years. Sometimes you seem like a dream. But I know the pain I feel in my heart and the hole in my world is no dream. I know that I carried you and birthed you and raised you and love you. I  miss you so much. I miss you so damned much.

mom
xoxo

Facing loss
In July, 2001, I sat in the ER at Oregon Health & Science University here in Portland, with my oldest child. We’d just been told that Martin had cirrhosis, and he slept peacefully under sedation while I waited to find out just how bad it was. He’d been experiencing some abdominal pain and some gastric upset; but it was the pain that had brought us here this night.

Martin had never been a heavy drinker, and his medical and social history gave no indication of what had caused his liver to become cirrhotic, so it was termed “cryptogenic” – which meant there was no way to know. A medical shrug of the shoulders. As it turned out, it wasn’t bad; he was told to stay away from alcoholic drinks, given a couple of prescriptions, and sent home with instructions to have it monitored.

In the intervening years, I didn’t give it a lot of thought, and I really don’t think he did, either. He was young – in his 30s – single, handsome, and living life to the fullest. He lived here for a while, moved back to Miami for a while, lived in NYC for a while – my peripatetic child, grabbing life with both hands, wringing as many adventures and having as much fun as he possibly could. In 2010, he, along with is brothers, walked with me to “give me away” as I joined my life in marriage to Jim. In 2013, when Jim died, Martin and his then-partner were here in my home when I got the call that Jim had died. They drove me to the nursing home where he was, and they, along with my sister, stayed with me through the night till the funeral home came. He was staunchly by my side during those dark days following, a strong arm to lean on, a comfort to me in my grief.

Over the years, we’ve had our differences and our arguments. We love each other deeply, but we don’t do well living together, and when he moved permanently back to Oregon, he lived with me more than either of us was comfortable with. He kept my garage – and my life – in constant disarray with minor and major car repairs until I wanted to scream in frustration. He worked only sporadically, and last year he became unable to hold down a job because he was chronically exhausted and couldn’t seem to stay awake. He went back to the doctor, where a CT scan revealed that the cirrhosis had permeated his liver. Worse, he had developed a small cancer of the liver. In October, he underwent a targeted treatment called TACE, where the cells were surrounded by a “bubble” of chemo. The doctor felt certain that it would get the cancer, and a subsequent CT scan revealed that it had. We were cautioned, however, that cancer would recur, and that he’d need to have twice yearly scans. He applied for, and was granted, SSDI.

Then, this July, a routine scan, followed by an MRI, revealed that the cancer had returned – and that it was no longer small. Initially there was a plan to treat it with two recently approved therapies, both of which would have serious side effects, but it was his best – perhaps his only – chance to beat it. We then got the news that the cancer had spread outside his liver, so these therapies were no longer an option. We made an appointment with a radiology oncologist in the hope that radiation would shrink the cancer enough to allow for other therapies. After much poking and prodding, answering the same questions over and over again, we were told that radiation would only further damage his already fragile liver, and could only be offered to control pain. And that it had grown to a size that was outside the scope of national guidelines for a transplant. His prognosis was six months to two years.

Our one ray of hope was the cancer clinic at University of California-San Francisco’s cancer center, where they apparently take transplant patients on a case-by-case basis, notwithstanding the national guidelines. So we began to investigate that option, and were in the process of finding out how much of the cost of a second opinion, diagnostic tests, and potential transplantation his insurance would cover.

Then, last Friday evening, September 18, he called me from where he was staying, suffering intractable pain in his abdomen and right shoulder, and complaining of shortness of breath. The oxycodone that had been prescribed for him just ten days earlier wasn’t even touching it. I took him to the ER, he was admitted to the hospital, and for the first time we learned just how large the cancer is (about 2” x 3”), and that it had increased in size since the scan just two months earlier. The doctor said the shortness of breath was likely due to the cancer pressing on his diaphragm, creating pressure against his lungs.

He was discharged on Sunday, and I began five days of frantic calls to doctors and social workers, trying to expedite the second opinion and possible treatment at UCSF. Today we learned that there is no chemical treatment that can help, and that the cancer not only is growing rapidly, but appears to have invaded his portal vein, which is the most feared complication. It also effectively ends any hope of transplantation. All the finest, most renowned hospital and medical professionals in Oregon can offer at this point is radiation. It’s not offered as a curative treatment, but only an attempt to shrink the cancer enough to take the pressure off of his diaphragm and off of the many nerves, relieving, they hope, the shortness of breath and some of the pain.

And so, here we are. My oldest child, the child I wanted from the time I understood that girls could have babies, is dying, and the prognosis has shrunk. To what, we don’t know. We’re taking each day as it comes. He sees the radiologist next week to begin palliative radiation therapy. We’re closer than we’ve ever been, except, perhaps, when he was a newborn and completely dependent on me. I find that all of the arguments, all of the frustrations over the years, don’t matter. I’m thankful that he has lived a life filled with adventure and excitement, that he has memories that most of us only dream of.

He is angry and sad, he sleeps most of the time, he has his cat for comfort. His family surrounds him with love. My church family and many of my friends surround all of us with prayer. All I can be is that which I always wanted to be: his mom and his advocate.

He just turned 50 in May.

Published on FB January 2, 2022

~ Cheryle Gardiner


Shared with Public

One year ago today, my first-born left his earthly life behind to begin anew in the mystery we call “death.” My faith assures me that all is well, even as I grieve, even as I know none of us has the answer to what lies in the Beyond.

Perhaps, as some believe, there is nothing. Or perhaps Martin has already been reborn as someone else, to work through previous incarnations. Perhaps even as I labored to bring him into this world, another mother somewhere was grieving his death. The answer is, We just don’t know.

And so I rely on my faith, on the knowledge that each of us is unique, and my belief that our uniqueness is purposeful, and that it transcends death. I believe that somewhere, in some way, Martin exists. And I also believe – maybe “hope” is a better word – that when my time comes to leave this Earth, I will find him waiting, ready to show me around the Afterlife. He was always a wonderful tour guide, after all.

In the meantime, I console myself with the knowledge that molecules of Martin surround me. He’s in the air that I breathe and the water I drink. He isn’t gone completely away. And, of course, he lives forever in my heart and mind.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As I write these words, I’ve just hung up the phone with the wife of a man I’ve known since he was a small child. He’ not related by blood, but by marriage, and he’s actively dying. He’s in his early 50s – a contemporary of Martin’s, and was his friend

This young man is actively dying of cancer – hours or days, but not weeks. So, even as I grieve my own child, another mom is looking down that dark road, a woman I know is trying to prepare herself for the unimaginable. A wife, a child, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends – all are facing the loss of someone dear to them.

Men, please take care of your health. Regular doctor visits are imperative. Women get into that routine early in life; men tend to put it off. Don’t do that. Have a thorough physical once a year. See your doctor about unexplained pains, or anything that seems unusual. Cancer is an insidious disease, but most can be treated if caught early enough. Not all of them, but most.

Don’t put your parents, your spouse, children, relatives, friends, through this grief. Love them enough to take care of yourself. You don’t realize how much they’ll suffer if the worst happens. You aren’t bullet-proof. None of us is.

I know.

Published on FB on 12/31/2021

~ Cheryle Gardiner


Shared with Public
There is nearly always a bittersweet feeling about the end of a year. We recall the good and the bad, and if we’re a bit lucky, the good memories dominate.

I think we can all agree that none of us was really sorry a year ago to see the end of 2020. Between the pandemic, the last administration’s mishandling of it – the lies, the subterfuge, the daily death count – and the unnecessary confusion surrounding the election, it was a very bad year, indeed. It was hard to find or remember the times that gave us joy and a sense of well-being.

For my family, that was all overshadowed by the terminal illness of my oldest child, Martin. In the same year that we celebrated his 50th birthday with joy, we also observed the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with full knowledge of his impending death.
I consigned 2020 to the trash bin with a sense of relief.

On January 2, 2021, Martin left this earthly realm after three very hard days when he was in great pain, despite the heavy sedation being administered by hospice. His brothers and I kept vigil at his bedside, and were there when he opened his eyes and truly saw each of us just before he took his final breaths.

We were still deep in our grief when the trump-generated attack on the US Capitol took place. Such an unprecedented event turned our attention once again to the deep divisions within this nation. Even throughout those dark days, I missed Martin. I knew that he would have been next to me as we witnessed a history neither of us could have dreamed of.

I know in my heart that Martin would have struggled more than most with the ups and downs of pandemic restrictions/relief that were the hallmark of this year now ending. He was faithful to wear his mask during the early days, but as it dragged on, as the conventions changed almost daily, I’m not sure how compliant he would have been.

But there are also good things to recall about 2021.

Holding a place in my joyful memories is surprising Jason on his 50th birthday by showing up unannounced to everyone (except Lisa Cerezo – I know better than to pay a surprise visit to a daughter-in-law, especially when planning a week-long stay!). The look of surprise on Jason’s face when I walked in the door is forever imprinted on my mind’s eye! Even having to cut my visit short due to several of us contracting COVID-19 can’t erase that joy.

I was also thrilled to be able to resume some limited activities at my church, along with some dear friends (all of us vaccinated), and then – finally! – to be able to resume services in the church instead of on Zoom, in November. True friendships are a precious gift, and I’ve made several during the almost three years I’ve worshiped at St. Aidan’s.
Also in November I made yet another plane trip to Illinois to spend Thanksgiving with Jason, Lisa, and the boys. It was the first time in the 25 years of their marriage that I’d spent a holiday with them in their home. It was a delightful time – we made cookies, memories, and Thanksgiving dinner – and is a highlight of 2021 for me.

And now, as 2021 winds down, I have managed to get through the first anniversary of Martin’s last celebrations: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and, soon, New Year’s Eve. This will be a hard one. He always called me, wherever in the world he was, to wish me a Happy New Year – both in his time zone and in mine. It was a moment we shared for more than 30 years and I cherished it. Last year, he slept through it all as I sat at his bedside and held his hand. This year, I will be at Ben and Briana’s home, saying goodbye to the old year with them.

In 1992, my family endured the wrath of Hurricane Andrew, holding shut our front doors as the storm decimated the neighborhood. Yet, as I told several people, it wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me that year; it was also the year my mother died and that was far worse than a hurricane.

This year just ending certainly had more than its share of awfulness, but Martin’s death put all of it in perspective for me. I expect there are more dark days to come; humankind always seems to find ways to grab disruption and discontent from the jaws of joy. It’s our nature, I think.

And yet I am choosing to look for the joy. I am ever-mindful of my loss and at times I am almost overwhelmed by grief. But I also know that I am blessed. Blessed with good friends, with two amazing sons who grieve with me and look to my well-being. I’m blessed with two amazing daughters-in-law whom I cherish, and with five grandchildren who are the light of my life. I’m blessed with a sister and brother-in-law who, though far away, are still connected to my heartstrings; with a niece, nephew, extended family, and those who I call my “shirttail relatives” – not related by blood, but by choice. And I’m blessed by you, my Facebook friends. Some of you, I know, some I’ve briefly met, some I know only through your words on this medium. You bring joy to my day, even if I don’t always comment on it.

So, 2021, I bid you farewell. You delivered more than your share of pain and sorrow, but you were also a year that managed to bring joy to my world. For that, for so many things, I am thankful.

As 2021 wanes and we look forward to a new year, I say this to you, my friends: Look for the joy. There is always joy to be found, there is always hope. Sometimes you have to look really hard, but if you do, you’ll find it.

Happy New Year!
“Illegitimi non carborundum.” ?

On Friends and Memories

~ Cheryle Gardiner

Dear Martin,

Ron came over tonight. He’s been a good friend to me, and will indulge my need to remember and to talk – to a point. Tonight was one of those nights that we reminisced and even shed a tear or two. Even Ron.
A few months back, he told me that you “might” have asked him to check on me from time to time, and that he “might” have agreed. He’s been good about doing that, and it warms my heart to know that you were thinking about me even in the midst of your anguish over leaving this life. I love you

.

I’m in the hard days now, son. Your last New Year’s Eve with me, you last New Year’s Day – dates you weren’t even conscious of. I do like to think that somehow you knew, though. Not consciously, but maybe in the very deep heart part of you, the part that loved to call me, to welcome a new year with me; the part that knew I needed to be with you one last time as an old year ended and a new one began. I like to believe that. I need to believe that.


Instead of spending these last nights of 2021 by your bedside, holding your hand, anticipating the loss that we both faced, I’ll spend them remembering. I can’t seem to stop crying. I’ll never stop missing you. Did you know I was there? Could you feel how much I’ve always loved you? Could you still feel that connection? I pray that you did and that in some way you were comforted by it.

Thank you for being my son, for being concerned about me even beyond this life. For asking Ron, your friend, to look in on me. I think you knew that simple act would warm my heart.

Wherever you are, wherever death has taken you, know that my heart is there, too, and that the day will come when I will be with you once again. That someday we can be mother and son in a realm that is beyond my understanding, but which my faith and my love for you tells me must exist.

My love for you lives throughout eternity.

mom
xoxo

Thanksgiving memories

~ Cheryle Gardiner

Dearest Martin,

It’s a double whammy day for me today – it’s not only your half-birthday, it’s also Thanksgiving Eve. Just a year ago, I was at home with you, cooking, preparing, working in the kitchen to prepare for what we knew would be your last Thanksgiving with us.

This year I’m in Illinois with Jason, Lisa, and the boys, preparing, cooking, and working in the kitchen, getting ready to share the food and the day with them tomorrow.

But, oh, my Marty, my boy! I’m missing you so much! These days are getting harder and harder for me. I do try to keep a happy face, but when I’m by myself, I just can’t hold back the tears. It’s hard right now to even look at pictures of you, knowing that I can’t be with you, can’t hug you or rub your shoulders; can’t laugh or argue, can’t hear your voice.

It’s awfully hard, honey, to be approaching these days of celebration, joy, and family time together, knowing that there will forever be an empty chair at my table, knowing that despite the love of your brothers, your sisters-in-law, your nephews and niece – despite all that, my first-born is gone from my sight and from my hearing.

I’m thankful to have family, and I know they miss you, too, but the emptiness in my heart and in my life is the void left by your death, and one that remains empty, even in the midst of love, laughter, and thanksgiving.

I pray that you are at peace, wherever death has taken you. I pray that love is there and that my love for you is somehow present, that you have an awareness of how much you’re missed. Not in a sad way; I don’t want you to be sad. But in a way that always lets you know how much your mom loves you, and that, despite our struggles with each other, you were always loved.

So this Thanksgiving, even as I miss you and weep for the hole that will forever be in my life, know that I will give thanks always for having given birth to you, for have shared your years, your dreams, your struggles.

I miss you, my son. I love you always.

Mom